also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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