I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
