So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
His nipple licking is glorious
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