Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
