LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
