What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
