Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I need to align my fucking chakras
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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