This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
