Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
