I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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