Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
