I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
