i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
