It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
