Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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