There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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