I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
