I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
