What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
