my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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