Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Randomize
