I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
