I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
