The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Randomize
