So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
