i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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