she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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