My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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