I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
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i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
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She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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