I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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