I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
