Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
