dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
