phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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