saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
