If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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