Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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