Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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