I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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