why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
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