I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
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