why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
