I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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