sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Less talking, more tequila
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the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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