i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
