Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
