u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
