How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
