he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
