Your mouth is God's brothel.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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