im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
