I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
