i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
