is wine microwaveable?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
