What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I believe in your delicious
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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