Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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