How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
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Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
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i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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