forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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