You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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